It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
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Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
cause of death:
autopsy.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Meanwhile in Portland…
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
finally
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.