[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
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I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”