Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
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My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’