[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
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my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn