[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
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If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
When ur friends with white people
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
A collection of me turning into random objects.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
WHY?!
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
I have many caverns
I drew y’all a little something.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
File under excellent bookstore names.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.