“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
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*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down