A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
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SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!