I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
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The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
I hope it’s French Onion!
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.