North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
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Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”