Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
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Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Still a very good boi….
got so much cardio in today
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”