My background check bounced.
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So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.