Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
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Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you