Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
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United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Cashiers are always checking me out
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.