Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
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Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.