Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
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Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Butt weight. There’s more!
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?