I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
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That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no