Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
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[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
This is no longer winter this is harassment
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans