I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
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There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
“and how does that make you feel?”
inventing words: clothing
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”