Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
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him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?