WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
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Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
They’re on their honeymoon
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster