“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
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A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Anyone really
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.