Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
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I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
dam girl
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!