[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
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“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!