oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
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I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.