This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
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[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.