Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
You Might Also Like
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”