Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
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[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?