The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
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My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT