Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
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A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”