I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
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Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling