“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
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if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567