Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
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911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.