People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
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kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
#TopTip
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!