[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
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Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.