waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
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One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Ummm
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.