Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
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Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
my dad when a sex scene comes on
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti