This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
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Why soy sad?
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
😂 amazing answer
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”