“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
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My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.