Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
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I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
yeah no that’s fair
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Don’t we all.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.