me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
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[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.