People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
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I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?