My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
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A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
This is why I hate group projects
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back