Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
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is there nothing we can trust anymore
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?