I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
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It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you