*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
You Might Also Like
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.