The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
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Breaking news:
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
sigh
Support your local cemetery
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door