HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
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It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.