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I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there鈥檚 a word to describe that.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
馃檮馃槒馃槀馃ぃ
if you compliment a dude鈥檚 shirt, you better mean it, because that鈥檚 the only shirt he鈥檒l wear out for the next five years.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
There鈥檚 no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Is this you?
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.