CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
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*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Namaste
…..pretty much.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare