“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
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You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
A completely valid reaction tbh
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.